An Emotion Leak.

Something for Nothing; first of a new Wanderer’s Ink.

Thoughts 2768

Trampling over my mind in the dark, swift winds cutting through my thin hair, my walk lasts for eternity, or at least it feels like it. The usual questions and doubts run over my memory as I stray ahead. Possible alternative actions I could’ve taken today, words I could’ve used instead of the ones that had already been said, people I should’ve spoken to, those I shouldn’t have talked to, those that should’ve not talked. Thoughts of different, alternative possibilities and realities flash through my elevated mind, with regret and guilt over the actions that would bring me nought in the future. Some trance, I swept into – as it happens to be a usual now, every night before my eyes shut close with no hope of never waking up again or never sleeping again. One of my regrets is that I am here now. Not the physical part of me, but the part of me experiencing the trance.
The capability of my mind to overthink. It’s not uncommon, I know, but it is oddly unusual for me, this higher level of overthinking that leads me into layers of thoughts below layers and layers that accumulate and further form a picture from afar inside my mind. Sometimes dozens, sometimes hundreds of layers of thoughts that overflow within me and form a larger picture, in the end, a larger ugly picture filled with poison.
Minds of famous thinkers and philosophers were quite different from a common man’s. Similarly, different, but honestly, on the other end of the spectrum. negativity and darkness.
I sway a little as I place another layer of thoughts and little musings in my little mind. The wind’s stopped now. Completely silence all around. True serenity I witness. I witness it every night at this moment as if the time itself comes to a stop at this exact moment every night.
The layers build up like a filling bucket. I stand still now.
Time’s back in action as the dead winds arise slowly, lazily perhaps. I do not care for its feelings. I swipe the sweat from the temple noticing the humidity in the air. I swear it was chilly a while back.
The layers make me think again, further adding another layer of thought to the overlaying heap of the said as if that would help me out.
Pale white flickered above me. The stars seem to be happy and smiling for some reason. They know something is about to happen in the cosmos of reality. Something different than what others ponder upon at night; horrors, murders, death, darkness, fear, loneliness and sleep.
Mysteriously queer that sleep should accompany the former features of what night represents now.
Gripping terror hurls into the back of the neck. Surroundings grow darker, the 12 storey height in front of me standing on the ledge starts to disappear. What in blasphemy. Body frozen, head reaches forward, a burping motion…it’s a burp. A really long burp, which let out thick dark and pale smoke of black so pure and mesmerising it filled my surrounding air slowly and aloof. Almost a minute it took to come out from within me. Now forming a small step in front of me, beyond the ledge.
I take a step forward. Rock solid the footing it is.
Slowly, the clouds of darkness form the successive steps synchronising with each of my footings.
I walk. I walk. I walk.
O’ how poetic.
I walk. To the eternal darkness on darkness.
O’ how poetic.
I couldn’t escape my mind tonight.
O’ how tragic.
Where I was being led, I did not know. When I reach the top of the atmosphere, the cloud of darkness cover me in a sphere and fly off this wretched world.
It only opened when it landed me inside my mind.
I was only somewhat surprised that my mind existed beyond the skies above me. I always thought why the layers of my anxious thoughts often confused me and send me into a bullet train ride spanning hundreds of miles per hour action when the world moved like a snail.
O’ how irritating that can be.
My mind is now empty as my casket now.
O’ the sadness.
At least, I am here by myself, and no other thoughtless minds exist near me,
O’ the beauty.
An empty, free world to build from scratch, a whole new world, built according to my will and testament. A world for myself. But all I know to create is someone like me. Someone with problems, a lot of problems for thoughts. Yet I still create it, with individual people with an individual thought for each. No layers of thoughts, just a single thought individual, and so a population with a single problem for each. Good. Great indeed. Magnific!
But if they pose as my multiple selves with individual thoughts, wouldn’t that make them the image of my mind, and their additive thoughts my thoughts in layers? I suffer the same here, and go to the tall building I created in this new world to remind me of my journey here. And so I walk towards its ledge once again, my mind ramming over every thought at hundred miles an hour. The anxiety building at a serene speed. I trample over everything in my mind. Every problem, every thought. My walk feels like an eternity. I close on the ledge to end all, but my body freezes, a motion of sickness, my mouth opens to burp out dark clouds once again. No. Exactly the same way. The stair takes me to another empty world to make another set of stairs for me to make another stair for me to make the same universe another once.
How we are all going about the same shit in life over and over again when there are many chances to not take that step which would repeat the entire cycle.
O’ how disappointing.
How disappointing indeed.

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